TOUGH TALK RADIO NETWORK

It’s taken years for me to decide to share my story.  I’ve kept this story hidden for the duration of my career even though I was teaching students who might have profited from my experiences.  Because I’ve always wanted to make my parents proud, I felt if I didn’t talk about it, then maybe it never happened.  And for this reason, many years later I’ve continued to carry with me a certain amount of shame for the decision that I had made.

My parents, especially my mother, were so disappointed in what I had done and felt as though they had failed as good parents, which made me feel even worse.   This was no fault of theirs because the decision I made was an uneducated one that will always stay buried in my heart.  I’ve never apologized to my parents and wish I had done so, since one of the two most important people in my life, is no longer here so that I can tell her how sorry I am for the disappointment and disruption I caused in our family.   So, here is my story.

When I was sixteen, in the eleventh grade, I met the smartest and cutest boy on campus.  Ok, he was cute to me.  I was in the marching band and he was the drum major.  How great was that?  I had the most popular boy on campus interested in dating me.  Wow, for a teenage girl, this was a match made in heaven, not realizing just how true this would become.

Ladies, you know how you dream of your future with the boy you are dating.  We write on our binders, our name using his last name.  Then, we begin naming the children we are going to have.  You know what I’m talking about.  Not realizing how this could actually happen.  Well, it did happen.

The love of my life and me dated at school for several months before I introduced him to my parents.  They liked him a lot and then, I met his family, and not sure if they really liked me in the beginning, but later they wouldn’t have a choice.

We were rather popular on campus as the couple that had a future together.  We would go to the movies, parties, the park, or wherever he planned for us to go.  He always had an idea for something exciting to do.  It was a great relationship and we were having the time of our lives, I thought.  I loved him and he loved me.  Some may have called it puppy love, but we were really in love and began to treat it like we were married.   This is when a new direction for entertainment changed, not realizing how our lives would change forever.

At the time, my boyfriend was in the twelfth grade and I was in the eleventh and because I had previously gone to summer school, my credits allowed me to be promoted to the twelfth grade, allowing me to graduate at the same time as he.  My last year of school was the most devastating time of my life.  We were so in love that we had become sexually active and immature about making adult decisions, and yes, I got pregnant during a time when girls did not do things like this.   So now, with my heart racing and my thoughts confused, how will I tell my parents they were going to be grandparents to their sixteen year old daughter’s baby?

I was so afraid and morning sickness had started and my mother had noticed that I was sleeping a lot when I would come in from school.  She was the type of mother that you could not hide anything from.  I knew I had to tell her soon because I felt it would have been better for me to tell her instead of her coming to me.  She was so hurt and began to cry and that just broke my heart.  I had twin beds in my room, and when it was bedtime she came to sleep with me; with her arms wrapped tightly around me.  She never said a word; I just felt the love from her warm embrace.  As a mother, she knew what I would endure for the next nine months, because I didn’t have a clue.

My dad had not come in from work at the time, and when he did after working long hours and tired, my mother, made me tell him.  He cried as well.  I was most distort and disappointed about telling my dad because he would no longer view me as his little girl anymore.  A lot changed after this and I became withdrawn, staying closed in my room and not talking much.  I just no longer wanted to be seen.

I was so embarrassed for the decision I had made and now I would be faced with telling other family members and also, it was time that our parents would meet.  They met privately to discuss our decision; as a sixteen year old teenager, who was about to become a mother and wanted to keep my baby.  Even at this young age, I did not believe in abortions.  I stood very strong about keeping my baby and there would be no other discussion about it, other than the date our bundle of joy would arrive.

During this era, if a young girl was to get pregnant, the mother and daughter was known to leave town and when they returned, the baby would become the mother’s child.  This didn’t happen in my case although I knew how hard it was going to be to face the public; I chose to accept responsibility for what I had done and to walk with my head up.

Going to school was very hard, with my peers looking at me and whispering.  Teachers and the school nurse questioned my weight gain.  The nurse also questioned me about going to the school for pregnant girls, but after visiting the school, my mother disagreed.  The school could not force me to leave, so I completed the semester although it was very difficult emotionally.

My boyfriend was just a year older than me, but was very supportive and stood by me throughout the pregnancy and beyond.  My parents were not pleased, but continued to let him visit.  They respected the fact that he didn’t disappear from the situation and his responsibility.  My dad always had questions about what were his plans, but he was young and trying to feel his way through as time passed.

My boyfriend still lived with his parents during the time I was pregnant, as I continued living with mine.  The two of us graduated from high school in May of that year, then, during the summer he found a job; our daughter was born in September, and he went on to enroll in college.  We were married nine months after she was born.

We moved into our own apartment with me trying to learn the ropes of being a young wife and mother.   My plate was full as I was trying to be responsible and growing up too soon.  Household chores was new for me since I had never cleaned the entire house and cooking, let me just say we ate a lot of food that wasn’t quite done, but we survived.

A year later, I enrolled in college, so now we were both trying to get our degrees, while he also worked to take care of his little family.   It was a challenge, but both of us finally graduated from the same university.  Times were very hard considering he was not making a lot of money and I didn’t work.  We sometimes had help from our parents, but that wasn’t consistent.

I realize now this was a lot of pressure to put on a boy who was trying to become a man, but he did it and I am proud to say he is the father of my daughter and son.  He’s a good dad to both of them.  We were married for fourteen years and have since been divorced for many years, but together we raised two great children.

During our lifetime, when it seemed as though we’ve made the wrong decision about a particular situation, is it really the wrong decision?  I am not saying that becoming a teen mother was the best thing for me, but if this had not happen, maybe I wouldn’t have been blessed with such a wonderful daughter.   Maybe I would not have crossed the paths of people who were brought into my life or maybe I wouldn’t be the person God has made me at this time in my life.

Deciding to tell my story may not have come to surface if I had not crossed the path of the person who gave me the vision that if I could not come to appreciate my life as it is, then, how would it be possible for me to share my experiences in helping other young ladies?

When incidents happen in our lives, we must welcome it as a lesson God wants us to experience.  A lesson maybe not understood at the time, but to know that God put us in places for what he has planned.  I can smile now while looking back over my life as it has taken many years for me to accept what I thought was a tragedy, appreciating the family and friends who supported me during that time and most of all listening to God’s words.

STUDYING 101

SQ3R Reading Worksheet

Direction:  When having a difficult time understanding what you are reading, use the form below to prepare for studying.

Survey:  Record important titles and subtitles from your reading selection.

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Question:  Here you will write “who, what, where, when, and why questions for the main topics in the reading selection.

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Read:  As you read, write the answers to your questions.

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Recite:  Write the key facts or terms necessary to know for this reading section.

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Review:  Create a summary for the selection.

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I remember when girls use to pass notes, wear long skirts, kissing and NOT telling, coy attitudes, courting, and saying yes and no ma’am or sir to adults.  Those were the days, right?  Why is this no longer okay for a girl to be modest?  Parents are learning that their little girls are no longer little girls at the tender age of ten and twelve years old. Now, we could blame this on the media, or how society has taken a turn for the worst, but essentially, what it really comes down to are two very important nouns, mother and father, mom and dad, ma and pop or whatever accommodates your lifestyle.  Although, I’m a teenager, this may seem a little biased, but I’m simply speaking about what I feel that girls needs.

It all starts in the home, along with everything else.  As it seems young girls need a constant reminder that they should respect themselves.  Why is that, you may ask?  The whole mindset of self-respect stems from how you are raised.  It’s a parents’ job to instill certain morals in their children, so they can use those morals to shape their own lives or even use as a guide.  One of the lessons you may have taught your child when they were very young, is that, stealing is wrong and you’d hope that if faced with any negative opportunities, they will hear your voice reminding them of your earlier teachings.  The same theory applies to my next point where girls need their fathers to teach them how a man should treat them, and they also need their mothers to teach them how to be a lady.  Now, when you factor in single-parent families, you may wonder how one can teach their daughter to respect herself, or even teach her how a man should treat her and the answer is simple.  Your daughters need to hear that they are smart, they’re beautiful, they can aspire to be whatever they want to be, but mostly they need to hear this type of motivation from the parent.  The last thing a parent wants is for their daughter to validate herself based on the boys or men that tell her the very thing she need to hear from her parents.  It is very important that a growing girl has her parents as her support system.  Growing up I’ve watched my father treat my mother as if she is his queen and I know from that, a boy or a man should respect me just the same.

If your daughter hears from the most important source in her world, that she means the world to them, she will be able to do anything she puts her mind to.  But most importantly, if she grows up with the support system all girls need, nothing and no one can tell her otherwise.  It all starts with her parents teaching or demonstrating how she should be treated from the opposite sex.  When teaching your daughter that a man is respect her in all wellness; physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, then, she will not settle for anything less.  The styles and trends may change, but if your daughter has a good head on her shoulders trust me, no matter the clothes, she will be fine.  It’s hard watching your daughter grow up, but it becomes easier once you, as a parent, realize how important you are as she develops into an adult.  Teach your daughter to respect herself, and she will do just that.  Teach your son to respect a woman, and he will do just that, too.  I never liked hearing my parents’ drone on with speeches and life lessons, but I remember and appreciate every one of those speeches and lessons now. As will she.  “No lesson is greater or more powerful than that of which is taught by a parent, that you will take with you for a lifetime”.

Written By: Marium Menefee

Mothers and daughters are warm and fuzzy. Mothers and daughters are beautiful. Mothers who can see themselves through their daughters and hold a special feeling for a lifetime. Mothers and daughters grow to become best friends. Mothers are their daughters’ first teachers—their daughters’ first everything. Before a daughter’s birth, the bond is created, and it all begins. The relationship between mother and daughter are both friendly and respectful while being careful not to cross that thin line between the two so important words.

A daughter will always remember how far to go before crossing the line and a mother will always remind her daughter of the role she plays as a parent. Just like in a stage play, the two of you must stay connected to each prospective scene. In life, a mother’s role is to teach from her life experiences, and a daughter should humbly welcome her mother’s wisdom as she passes through the same challenges her mother did. Of course, raising a daughter is much more easily said than done.

From the cradle, through the process, and to adolescence, a daughter begins to find her own way, becoming friends with others and learning about her friends’ households. These differing family norms may not be as structured as hers is. These differences could be a source of conflict between the mother and the daughter. Embracing the change of generations will require mothers to recognize the possibility of change within their relationships with their daughters.

After teaching, a daughter morals, self-respect, the importance of building character, self-determination, and self-direction, a mother should then practice trust. Loosen the rope a little at a time to test your daughter’s obedience, let her demonstrate your teachings before you let go. Know that you are raising a good, respectful daughter, allowing her to find her way, and giving her room to come to you for motherly support.

Your daughter will challenge your authority when she begins to search for her own being. In the frustration of constantly competing for your place as the parent, you might begin to question your methods. You refer back to when your mother raised you. You evaluate your personality and remember that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Although you may have tried, you never would have talked back to your mother in a disrespectful tone unless you wanted to never return from the floor ever again.

As you remember your youth, ask yourself, did you ever think that your daughter would do the same to you? Daughters today are very different from daughters from earlier years when young women carried the title of “lady.” Daughters were raised to be ladies and to always respect themselves without consideration of outside influence. They looked up to their mothers as role models. But today there are many outside influences that prove to be more challenging.

To stay connected, mothers and daughters must keep communication open in their relationship. It is interesting to know that each of us was given two ears and one mouth. This might be so we can listen more and talk less. Mothers and daughters should find this important in understanding what is required from them. Listening—really listening—is the most important part of good communication. When mothers and daughters talk, mothers seem to do most of the talking while daughters have their minds elsewhere, and they never get the full understanding of what their mothers are saying. For a change, mothers should allow their daughters to do most of the talking. Then they both should come together in a summary of information for both.

Recognizing that your daughter is growing up will allow you to respect her decisions with more understanding responses. By telling her scenarios of similar situations you experienced in your youth, you will give her other options to compare and give her the chance to make a change in her life based on her decision. If you carefully step back to listen to her decision, you will reach a happy medium, and she will appreciate your input.

Mothers sometimes take the backseat when noticing their growing daughters are maturing into young ladies who want to do things for themselves. With your subtle input, your daughter will include you in most of her decisions. You will find that communicating in this manner will allow your daughter to feel responsible when she knows you are in her corner.

Mothers and daughters many times will not agree on all subjects. Creating good communication skills often prevents conflicts from developing. Practicing conflict resolution methods between mother and daughter will often get to the source of any problem and end with positive feelings between both.

As your daughter develops into the beautiful flower you created—first a young lady and then a young adult—the beauty is to see yourself in her. Carefully watch the wonderful relationship in which you steered your daughter to become your best friend, and not just your best friend, but the person she will refer as her best friend in return. What a wonderful feeling.

Bonding with daddy is the beginning of a relationship that will last forever.   Having your son to follow in your footsteps is always most rewarding.  Standing by him in each stage of growing physically, emotionally, intellectually and socially; knowing that you have been there for his every need, to answer every question, and teach him the importance of  what defines him as he become a good man.  Teaching by demonstration in your everyday life, sets the stage for your son to be prepared as he grow from a boy to young man, then, to one that is responsible and ready to have his own family.

Understanding there is a difference between being a dad and father will fulfill your every ounce of giving to your son what you may have missed in your growing years.  Every boy needs the presence of a father whom not only gave him life, but, too, a dad who provides him with love, advice, and friendship. Someone who is there to actively participate in his life will guide him through the many highs and lows as he finds his own way.

Here are just a few important facts about what it means to be a Dad:

• Dads teach the game of sports.
• Dads teach survival skills when things go wrong.
• Dads display how to protect his family.
• Dads demonstrate how to respect girls, by respecting his son’s mother.
• Dads teach about his sexual being.
• Dads demonstrate his leadership role as a natural means of guiding his family.
• Dads teach character traits.

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Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example, instead of his advice.  (Unknown writer)

It was12:30 in the morning when my phone started to ring. I was cozy in my bed, so I ignored it. It kept on ringing and ringing, over and over again until it stopped. Then the house phone started to ring, and my mom answered. She came into my room to wake me. Hurriedly she woke me and said, “Your girlfriend’s water has broken, and they are on the way to the hospital.”

My heart was beating like a set of drums at a football game. I said, “Let’s go!” We got into the car. My dad drove, and my mom rode in the passenger seat, and as I sat in the back, nervous as hell, I looked at them to see the excitement on their faces. I’d waited nine months, and that little person was about to arrive.

When I got to the hospital, I could not find the delivery room, and of course I got really frustrated. I asked a doctor in passing, but he wouldn’t tell me until I told him I was about to be a daddy. Being so excited, I didn’t hear him when he told me which elevator to take. I just found the stairs and ran up five floors.

I did finally make it to the delivery room, where I was able to see the birth of my baby. This was the happiest moment in my life, and I can remember it as though it was yesterday. A beautiful baby girl!

I’m not quite ready, but I’m forced to grow up.

To learn more about Gwen Gistarb and how she can help you go to www.gwengistarb.net